Sifting through it all

Its been since October since I have dusted this old blog off. Its time to revisit. This time for real. This time for me. A venue where I can sift through the piles of things that I have avoided looking at for a long time.

I’ve got to start somewhere. So I will start here.

*****

I just had a baby. I am a new mother- all over again.

And this time it is different. So very different.

I feel a sense of mourning with the birth of this child. “Baby Blues” is what they call it I guess. I have not felt this before. My first child I think I was on that after birth cloud nine until she turned one. I’ve come crashing down this time.
Not terribly. Just enough to make me feel. Its been so long since I’ve let myself indulge in emotional things. Emotions can be dangerous things. I’ve worked hard to not live by them. I acknowledge them and then dismiss them. Doesn’t everyone? No. I know this because I am surrounded by extremely emotional people in my circle of friends. Being around them makes me cling more to the anti-emotion sentiment. But I can see in living like this, I have lost a part of who I used to be. I lost an outlet.
The only thing I can think to describe my old self is “hippie”. A free spirit who was creative, open, expressive, confident in art and writing- in creating. All of those things come about by exploring different emotions and providing an outlet for them. I married a man who is a little on the non-expressive side. His brain works differently: a realist. And that is fine for him. But I mourn the loss of a part of who I used to be. I mourn my creative side. I have talents, I have ideas. I had plans for who I’d be by now. I see people around me that are creative, emotional beings and think to myself: “see Holly? Thats how it was supposed to be. Thats who I want to be…” I know it is not too late. Its just going to take some work to muck out these stale stalls and allow myself to begin feeling again. To allow others to see me feeling.

This doesn’t mean that I become a basket case. It means that I allow the creative juices to flow and let my feelings guide the way. Yes. I have plans. And a lot of walls to break down again. For now I will just take it all in and continue sifting. The jewels will be left for me to share.

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3 thoughts on “Sifting through it all

  1. Oh Holly, I ache with you. You know me, I wish you knew me before…about 10+ years ago. You wouldn’t even recognize me. I too am trying to regain who I was. We should chat about it, that helps me anyway. You would laugh, I tear up when I see thoughtful people or happy tv shows. I am a mess.

    • Change is a part of the Human experience I guess. Its just a little depressing when life runs away with you and drags you naked through a crowded street. How does it happen? I guess a good step forward is to just LOOK at things and let ourselvesbe in that moment. Ignoring that longing feeling for being someone new does nothing but make you more wilted and tired inside.
      These are difficult things to talk about. That is why I am writing. This is me looking and I welcome your thoughts.

      I am considering going private with this blog. I sick of censoring.

  2. Pingback: Change « The Sycamore

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