Esperanza Pie

Esperanza. Say it: [es-pay-rahn’-zah]. Feel it. Hope.

I am learning to have hope in all things good. Today was a lesson in hope. A lesson in goodness. A lesson in love and friendship. A day about worthy investments and doing things that matter with the people that matter.

Today I stepped into a space where hope blanketed my soul with her sweet aroma of peace and comfort. Baked at 400 degrees for 50 minutes until golden brown and crisp. Sweet Esperanza Peach Pie!

And I know it wasn’t about the pie. But the symbolism of coming together and creating something meaningful and good. Full of hope and friendship. I am filled. Thank you, my dear friend Cathy!  IMG_8232[1] IMG_8233[1]

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Breaking up with Facebook

Its been nearly two weeks since I decided to pull the plug on my Facebook account. I am still not 100% clear as to why I left. There are people who leave because of privacy concerns. There are conspiracy theorists like Anonymous and their followers who think FB is going to take over the world or something crazy like that…whatever.
And then there are people like me who for one small reason or another realize that Facebook consumes all together way too much time of my day, my thoughts, and not to mention my picture taking! So, because I am terrible with time management, and I don’t really want to feel like I am being babysat by some program on my computer that regulates my time on FB, or any other site for that matter, I decided to just get rid of it all together. Although perhaps a program like that would work well for others. I’d just reset my time! Extreme? Maybe.

I do miss catching up on people’s lives, seeing pictures of new babies and fun adventures. But I do not miss the wasted time. Not one bit. I hope to direct that time toward my home, my children and to this blog. With Facebook gone, it is now up to me to reach out and create meaningful real relationships. It seemed with Facebook, all I had to do was post a picture or say something clever and, BOOM, I had recognition, debate, praise, “likes”. It was so simple. Yet I could sit in the same room with most of these people and not have a thing to say (unless the conversation began like this: “did you see that post on Facebook?…”) And that’s just too bad.

On the other hand, I do miss the instant communication that was available with my neighbors. “Do you have an egg?” or “I’m selling my office chair.” A phone call a knock on the door, or a late night trip to the store are now my options. And those are fine options, but certainly not as convenient. There are really great things about Facebook. For one, it was the main source of advertisement for this blog! Needless to say, my readership has gone down. I do want readers. I want to be heard. And that was why I did enjoy having Facebook. (Perhaps you’ll share The Sycamore?) People out there “listened”, but I usually have much more to say than what I can post in a Facebook status. Not having that little outlet should bolster my blog writing.  And this kind of writing always feels good to my heart. I am that girl who has 20+ journals on my book shelf from a lifetime of writing. Sadly, filling up my journals has taken a slower pace. My hand starts to hurt after just a few minutes of writing with my trusty old pen. That is really sad!

I go back and forth on my decision to delete. Facebook does not make it easy, or enticing to leave its multi billion member interface.  You can just “deactivate” your account, or you can actually delete it. But if you or one of your devices logs on like you did before, all of your requests are voided and you’ll have to click that delete button again. Before I cut the cord, I downloaded a copy of my entire Facebook existence so I have all of the conversations, all the photos, comments and most importantly, the thread of my son’s home birth. There are 14 days before the account is actually deleted completely. If I log on anytime before the the “scheduled deletion date”, it will not be deleted. They really really don’t want me to go!
I may or may not be back.  I have to laugh because I do have a Twitter account that I have been using a bit more the past few days. (Follow me there @thesycamoregirl) and I’ve been writing here more, which is feels so good!

We’ll see how connected I can become without the aid of Facebook.  I just need to get back to me, void of all the distractions, propaganda and other things that made me compare myself to others in a negative way. Interestingly enough, I once read this on Facebook: “You were born an original.  Don’t die a copy.”  ~John Mason

For me, I was beginning to feel a little like I was just a copy.  It felt like I was losing my authenticity. And that was enough to click delete.

On “Having it together”

“Apparently I came across as being a pretty cool girl who had it together. Man oh man, if they only knew!”

Man oh man! If YOU only knew! We go through life thinking we know ourselves and thinking what a letdown it would be for others if they only knew who we were. Maybe others know us better than we know ourselves. Maybe sometimes we should learn about ourselves from them.

Just something to think about.

JKV

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In response to the comment left by none other than JKV, I would like to say the following:

Being in high school was hard. Its fun, full of great memories of History class, sluffing and football games- but mostly what fills my head when I think of adolescent years is a whole big mess of emotional throw-up. And what others see on the outside is probably most accurate about really how you handle yourself, but that doesn’t seem to matter when what is going on inside of your head and heart is so difficult to figure out. I guess it just comes with being 16.

Drama is an important driver in a teenagers life. It makes you feel alive! Drama is what embosses the experiences in our minds as forever memories. But you know, maybe it is more than just ‘drama’. I was just thinking- well, lets see, I don’t know- maybe your parents are divorcing. Maybe you find out your mom is sleeping around. Maybe you accidentally go a little too far with a boy. Maybe your dad kills your mom in front of you. Maybe your mom goes off and joins a polygamist cult group. Maybe you go and get drunk one night. Maybe you think that staving yourself is the only way to have control in your over-controlled life. Maybe your dad dies of brain cancer.  Maybe taking a razor blade to your skin is freedom to you. Maybe you’ve witnessed a beating in your home one too many times. Maybe you’ve picked up smoking. Maybe there is a heroin addict living in your house keeping you up at night with withdrawal symptoms.

Gosh,  you know, it could be anything.

This so called ‘drama’ that people say is just adolescence is actually really there. And every teenager deals with these things differently. Some go off the deep-end and others band together to get through it all. I am happy to say that I don’t think I ever really went off the deep-end, although there were times I wanted to. I guess the fact that I deliberately decided not to go totally crazy means that I indeed did have it together. That is comforting. What I mean when I said that I didn’t have it together in HS is that I felt like I was doing everything possible in my own right to keep my game face on, yet it seemed everything around me- everything I didn’t have control over seemed to be falling apart right in front of me. And there was nothing I could do about it. I’m sure we all know the feeling.

This is why friends are so important. There were times when I felt totally alone in my emotional puke. And I was OK with it. But there was one day in particular when I was feeling desperately low and I didn’t feel like anyone around me even knew of my existence. I got a call from the office during school that I had received something. So I go to get it- and it is a bouquet of flowers. From who? Who would even notice me? I was very surprised to read the note attached. Inscribed in beautiful handwriting were these words:

“…peace be unto thy soul thine adversity shall be but a small moment…thy friends do stand by thee and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands” -Doctrine and Covenants 121:7,9
Signed: Melanie Goates, Amy Shuppy, Tahnie Moon, Tillary Stahr, Danielle Vernon and a few other popular cheerleader girls.

Up until that point, I had never considered some of these people my friends. Only nice acquaintances. The lesson learned here? That people DO notice me. They DO like me and they DO care. They do know me better than I think!

*So, Amy, when you say you were not a good friend at all, I have to beg to differ. You were often times my only friend at certain points. And although I may have rarely “cried on your shoulder” I knew that I could if I needed to. I was also strengthened knowing that I could be there for you.*

I’m not sure where I am going with this post- only that I think JKV is right. We are indeed stronger than we give ourselves credit for. After all, we are our worst critics, right? And most of us turned out pretty darn good. Stable, contributing members of our society, raising beautiful children in righteousness, tell me -what is better than this?

Whether or not we ‘had it together’ during our adolescence years I don’t think matters anymore. We are who we are now because of what we learned then, and on the way to Now. Many people have come and gone throughout our journey to Now, and it is through them that we can indeed learn a lot about ourselves. I still hold firm to the truth that nobody knows me better than Me.

So now we are adults and we have different dragons to slay. And its a damn good thing we’ve got it together!

Forever Words

I recently came across a few of my high school year books and was reading through them, feeling nostalgic and such. I thought, hey, why don’t I share all of these funny autographs with the blogger world. And since a few of you reading this blog went to high school with me, we can all enjoy the regurgitated words of old friendships. I won’t include ALL of them, because, well, I had to get a whole ‘nother yearbook to hold all the autographs so that would make for a particularly long post. Ok, not really. I will just omit the lame-o ones where so and so tells me “you are cool, never change, have a great summer, C U next year” sort of crap. Besides, it’s already going to be a long post.

So in no particular order, here is what people thought about me and said to me at the end of my Junior year at South Summit High School. Fight on for SS High!

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Holly, its been fun having a locker by you. Thanks for being such a nice friend to me. Have fun!
-Your friend, Robby Brimhall

Holly, I can’t even explain how much I love you (in a different way…I love Ben [Lee] that other way) Tapestry is so much better with you in it. I hope you sit next to each other next year! I wish you were on drill team. -Liesel [Pederson]

Holly, next year we should become buds. You and Sandoval should party. Your bud, Ethan [Atkinson]

Holly- Well my bestest friend in the whole world!…Ahhh, we have both learned so many things this year! We are both so much more mature and better people. Hopefully throughout our lives we can stay friends. But until then, I will still bother you with my never ending problems that you don’t want to hear. Well, I guess all else I could tell you is that I love you so much! I if were a lesbian, you would be my secret lover! (j/k) Well, anyway, (save the worms!) Love you/Myndy [Wadsworth] XOXO

Holly Be gentle with Sandoval. He is fragile. I think you are cool. -Your bud, Curtis Cox

Patrick Martin signed twice for some reason. Both are…interesting.
Holly, you are sooo sexy. I want to make mad-hot-wild-kinky sex to you. Call me and we’ll set up a date or we’ll just do something else. -Putt [Patrick Martin]

Holly, In order for us to further our friendship/relationship we must continue to talk, and do more activities together. I must also bring about the point of your astounding beauty and charm. The magnificence of your character is also very, how do you say, intriguing. And lastly, YOU ROCK! Love, Putt

Holly. Like I said before Holly Carb[orators] are the best and so are you. You are funny and you know what is up. Have you seen the Matrix? We are like the people who aren’t batteries. -Rhett [Phillips]

Holly You are not the girl I remember last year. I always thought you wanted to beat me up! But now I know that you are a doll! Tapestry has been cool! Sorry I thought that…Now I know better! Have a great summer and I’ll see ya next year my senior Friend! Love Megz [Page?]

Holly, I will never forget the first time I worked with you at the pool! You told me how you wanted to pose for a picture. You always amaze me! You are a great friend and I will miss you when go to school! At least we will always have the pool! See you around! PS You’re awesome!-Jody Rydalch

Whoever said we were related? 🙂 If you want to get into the “western stuff” I’m the one that can help! 🙂 GOod Luck! MaryLou Blazzard [my second cousin]

Ok. Here we go again. How are you? Whats up? Dont you thnk this yearbook signing thing is weird? Just think about it. You bought this expensive book for…for…$30.00 ($33.00 if you went to the Yearbook Dance) and you let all these people write in your own personal book. Now correct me if I am wrong, but society is weird. This whole thing is just crazy! Who cares…ah, anyway…In 20 years you’ll read this (maybe). My dad hasn’t even looked at his and he is still living and breathing. My point is: It does not even matter what I write in this book, so I’ll just sign my name. JAMIE LAMBERT. There.

Hey Holly Have a cool summer, dont party too hard, call if desired. See ya on the blocks! Love, Conor Jensen

Dearest Holly- blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah -Love, Sandoval [my boyfriend at the time]

Hey Hotty Girl. I love you. We should hang this summer so I can stay out of trouble. You are a good strong woman and I wish you well. Have fun and be wise. -Ian George

Holly! Hi cutie! I’ve loved getting to know you a little better this year. You are someone I seriously look up to. I value your opinion you’re so honest, I love that! We MUST hang out this summer- I still can’t tell if you really want to or not, but I do, so tough luck! 🙂 Love your guts!! love/Tahnie [Moon]

Holly- Soccer was a blast! The tapestry trip was even funner I am so glad I got to know you this year. You are very awesome person. Never change for anybody! Sorry I never kept my “No Sugar Diet”! Love, Juli Walker

Holly, You are one of the coolest and unique people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. You are wonderful becuase you are a trail blazer and you are so individualistic. I hope we can hang this summer! Kurt Walker

Hholly if love was people, I’d be China. Love love love love love ya! Keep in Touch! -Mardee Goodwin

Part II: What I said about love and people and a certain Asian country was true. However, I’ve decided that I need to expand on that a little. Holly, how much have we been through together? Between good boyfriends, and bad boyfriends, sneaking out and tanning on your roof, riding on your Trail ’90 everywhere Those were the days! I can’t think of anyone else I’ve ever had such fun with ! You opened my eyes to a lot of thing I couldn’t (or wouldn’t allow myself to) think upon on my own. What can I say? I hope hope hope you come to my graduation, I cannot think of a better graduation gift than to see you in the crowd as I walk through the gym of SSHS for the last time! -Forever, Mardee [Goodwin]

Holly, Holy crap can I say that you used to intimidate me SO f-ing bad! I can honestly say that I am so glad I got to know you this year! (I’m not just saying that to sound like a dumb blonde!) You made the cruz so fun- who can forget Mr. “Wild Thang” and all thse crazy drunk men in their mid-fourties! But hey, dancing was a blast! Good luck next year! -Hillary Smoot

Holly, You are the coolest! Lets ride horses some time!!!- Later. Nick [Bishop]

Holly my dear, I hope you know how much you mean to me! You have been my friend for such a very long time and I hope that we will remain friends for even longer! I have honestly learned probably more from you than almost all of my friends. I truly appreciate the honesty I have been able to share with you. Holly- I know you will have success in all you do. You have a persistence that is unbeatable. It is, of course, hard at times, but never give in. Good luck in swimming next year. I’ll be at State. Come visit me in Provo, no matter how much you detest it! I love you! -Rachel Wagstaff

Holly. What do I say? How do I begin? My dearest “spurt” friend! I miss you between “Spurts”! You have no idea how much you have helped me this year. I will forever be grateful. Thank you for being there. Thanks for being strong even though all your friends have not had the confidence to be strong. Thanks for not hating me, even though I have so many quirks! You helped change my life even if you don’t think so. I will always be in your debt and your friend, so if you ever need a shoulder…Lets do stuff all summer! I love your so much and I can’t say thanks you enough. Have a great summer. Keep in touch! -Amy Shuppy

Holly, you are so awesome! You are one of those few people who doesn’t care about what anybody thinks of you, or you don’t show it anyway. Hey, its been real! -Trevor Rezac

Holly- We’ve never been the best of friends, but I wish we were. I think you’re an awesome person and you always know how to express yourself! -Tillery Stahr

Dear All-wise Holly, Hey, I want you to know something. No, not that I am closed-minded, but how cool it is that you are you. Most people, myself included, change overtime from trying to talk about their thoughts, to trying to be dumb and hide the person within so they are more accepted. You somehow have not done this and I do see it. Holly I wish you knew how I really was. Maybe you will one day. Maybe. – Jeffery Sargent

Holly. Thanks for being so cool to me and for being my friend even though you’ve told me a few things I didn’t want to hear.Keep in touch with me. See ya around. Kendrick [Woolstenhulme]

Holly, you are the fuzziest kid alive! …You have such wit and sociality! Love ya -Lindsay Smoot

Holly I have always enjoyed having you in class. You really “think” about things and that is fun! -Brother Cottle

Holly- Hey babe! You totally rock! Seriously you are so cool and fun to be around, you have such an interesting personality. I mean that. It comes from the heart! Sorry that I always worried about my hair when i was around you . I know you hated it. See you later. -Kensey [Roper]

Holly, hey girl. you’re really cool and unique. I like that a lot about you. And hey, there is nothing wrong with cheating…and thanks for not weirding out on me. Love, Palmer [Hagen] PS Tell Amy I LOVE HER!

Holly Holly, she’s so Jolly! You are the most unique girl I know. I really admire you for being you! I’ve had the funnest time in PSYCH with you. Have a great summer and get ready for next year! We’re gonna be SENIORS!!! See you around! -Megan [DeGerring]

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Ok. So now I understand why I spent those $30 on my yearbook.  It feels good to remember who I was during the hardest part of my life. Apparently I came across as being a pretty cool girl who had it together. Man oh man, if they only knew! Well, either way, it feels good to reflect and remember all my friends and experiences of my high school career. I’d totally do it over again. Only this time, I’d be nicer to people, including myself.

Thanks guys, for leaving ‘forever’ words in my yearbook.